If there's a line between two or more entries but they're under the same date they were posted the same day but at different times.
January 2, 2025
It's an odd feeling, really. Living your whole life thinking you'll be dead by a certain age and then reaching the year where you're supposed to pass is. For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was going to die at or before 18. I turn 19 this year. I turned 18 last year. It's been a strange experience. I turned 18 fully ready to take advantage of the fact that I was legally an adult and my school couldn't tell my parents if I was absent. I had a plan. I had it planned perfectly. I knew every detail. I was ready. Well, no, I wasn't. I had a plan. The details were down to every possible backup plan. But I wasn't ready to die. Not yet. Not then. All I could think about the week leading up to the date I had chosen was that I couldn't do that to my bf. That I wanted to be with him forever and I couldn't hurt him like that. Now there's 3 months until I turn 19. I don't want to die. But I feel like I'm going to. I took a shower tonight and I swear every time I closed my eyes it felt like I was right back in the moment of my absolutely horribly executed attempt in grade 9. I had no idea how much blood you have to lose to die. It was.. Pathetic, kinda funny, in all honesty. Sometimes I look at the scars from that night and wish I had done more research beforehand. I've thought that a lot tonight, actually. Lately in general, too, not just tonight. When I got out of my shower I opened Google Docs and just typed everything. It was mostly about her and how I broke the last promise I ever made to her. I can't handle the guilt from that. Not only for betraying her but in a way breaking that promise feels like betraying the very concept of love. I fucked up. Bad. And this time I can't fix it. I can't lie my way out, I can't do anything. For the first time in my life I did something I couldn't innocent and clueless act my way out of. Because this time what I did hurt me the most. I can't innocent and clueless act myself out of issues with myself. That's just delusion and denial. I did what I did and I can't change that. Not now, not ever. Though I'm not entirely confident I can live with the guilt forever. I live every day in fear that someday I'll accidentally treat my bf how I treated her. I don't think I could live with myself if I did. I don't know that I can after what I did to her. I fucked up. Worse than ever before. And it's still haunting me. Three years later. Probably forever at that rate. My problems tend to be like that. I either get myself out of them in a few days up to a year max or they haunt me for life.
Maybe that idea of death leading me to the right time wasn't so stupid afterall. A world where I never fucked anything up yet. Wouldn't that be nice. It's a delusional fantasy but I wish it was a possibility. Though I suppose the odds are never zero. Low. But never zero. We don't have a clue what happens after death. Maybe time travel exists and it's just not at all what the media depicts. Maybe it's between death and rebirth. Maybe when you die you can be reborn at any point in time not just the future. Maybe the past is an option too. I wish I knew.
December 31, 2024
New Years Eve. A night which usually causes me severe anxiety. For the past several years this night has been one of panic. Going into 2024 it was that I was going into a year where I had never talked to her. The years prior to that it was typically because I felt closer to the end of high school and in my mind therefore death. I spent a lot of my life before I graduated with a strong belief I would never live to see the day. Now I'm several months out of high school and I don't feel like my death is looming anymore. I think school caused the majority of my issues in all honesty. Since graduating I've felt a lot more peace. Now my only concern is finding a way to move to Germany. Which doesn't have a time limit on it. High school was full of deadlines constantly. I couldn't handle it. Now I've been living in peace with nobody telling me what to do or when to do it for months. Of course this can't last forever but it's a nice break after spending the majority of my life so far in the school system. I don't know if I plan on going to university or not. My current top concern towards moving is to get a job. My next step after that is to move to Germany to take a German language course. I just need the money to do it first. Otherwise I'm not too worried about things. For once in my life I actually have a good feeling about the new year. I have real hope. All I really want out of 2025 is to get closer to my boyfrined whether it be physically or emotionally. He's my everything. I really hope he's the one. Every time I imagine my future now instead of not being able to see past 18 all I can think of is how badly I want him in my future. He really is perfect as far as I'm concerned. Not in the way I thought she was either. He actually loves me. He's nothing like her. He cares. He's kind and loving and the sweetest person I've ever met. He's exactly what I've dreamed of since I was a kid. Like a real world Disney prince. I really reallyyyyy hope 2025 includes getting closer to being closer to him. Physically, that is. Emotionally I figure is bound. All I want is to be with him. I had a dream last night about him where we lived togehter. Everything was peaceful and cozy. Waking up from it felt equivalent to waking up from a dream about having kids. I miss him and yet he hasn't gone anywhere. It's a weird feeling. Anyway, I'm about a half hour out from the new year and I'm gonna work on a vision board. Not specifically about 2025, just in general for the next couple of years. Whether Manifestation is or isn't real, I'm taking my chances rather than not on this one. I can't afford more bad luck in my life.
December 30, 2024
I don't think I'll ever understand anemoia. I feel a deep rooted attachment to the 1930s/40s and yet I know it was a horrible time to be alive. Researching WW2 has been one of my top hobbies since I knew it existed. So why would I of all people feel so attached to the time in which it happened? Even stranger why am I simultaneously attached to Germany? A few years back I gained a random urge to learn German and move to Germany. I still haven't figured that one out. Though there is a part of my mind that believes if a person has a strong attachment to a certain place it's because their soulmate is there. My boyfriend lives in Germany. That's the best explanation I've got. That somehow, some way, my subconcious knew long before I did that he was the one I'd end up with. Or maybe not my subconcious since I didn't even know he existed yet. Something out there definetly knew though. A God, the universe, my subconcious, whatever you want to call it. Something knew and made me have that feeling. I don't understand any of it. Maybe it is all just coincidence but it doesn't feel like it. I feel too attached. To both. I'd say not necessarily at the same time but honestly that would be a lie. Which makes it even more confusing. I don't think it was a good time and place to be at all. Yet my mind has glued itself to the idea that it belongs there. I understand logically and completely that it was a horrible time and place. Something in me just doesn't agree for some reason. Or maybe it does and it feels connected regardless. I'm not really sure. My only real theory is reincarnation. Maybe that was my life in the past. Even then, I don't know how much I believe that. I used to always say I felt misplaced. Not in location or socially but in time. I always said my life feels like it's being lived in the wrong time. I could never quite figure out what the right time was though. Now I'm beginning to think maybe that's the answer to this. Maybe I really was misplaced. Maybe my soul was never meant to belong here at all. At the same time I feel deeply connected to certain things here as well. Or people. Or a person. My boyfriend. I love him more than anything. So the theory that maybe I don't belong here is thrown off. I'm in love with someone here. I shouldn't be attached to things here if I'm not meant to be here. Or maybe I should be? I am here after all. It's human nature to become attached to your surroundings. Maybe that's all it is. An attachment to surroundings. Not an attachment to this time. I really don't know. I can't help but long for the past even despite all I know about it. If I was given the chance to abandon everything and start over then, would I? Would I be willing knowing everything I know now? I don't know. There's a part of me saying yes and a part of me screaming no. Yet that screaming is drowned out by an urge for a place to feel like home rather than just a place of insignificance. It doesn't matter, that's not an option, it's not something to worry about. Though I did used to believe death might lead me to the right time. I think that was just me getting a little too deep into the TCC and my research on Sol. I don't know that I ever did or that I do believe that. Even if I do or did would it make a difference? I'm too attached to things here to leave this world even with the potential option. When it was suicidality combined with an urge to find a home it made sense. Now I have no other reasons to want to die. It'd be a weird non mental illness related case of suicide. At least if I did it while I was in school it would have made sense. After all the bullying, the harassment, the teachers who ignored things when reported.. Now I'd just be seen as totally crazy. Probably labelled a neo Nazi when I'm not and have always made it clear I'm not. People would make it some stupidly big deal. Maybe not in the way that happened to Sol but people who know me would. My friends, my family, hell my boyfriend would probably think I only ever liked him because he could not possibly look more stereotypically German. That's not the case at all though. My love for him has always been based on personality. Of course I find him attractive but that's not my main reason I love him that's just one thing I love about him among many. I hate that my only options are to suffer feeling trapped in a time I don't belong in or to leave it and be labelled as a horrible person when all I wanted was to feel at home. I don't hate anyone except individual people who have specifically wronged me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want peace. I want happiness. I want to feel at home for once. To not feel like I'm constantly living in a world I don't belong to. It's not a choice though. I'm tied here now. If I try to leave this world I'll only be hurting the one I love most. It's not worth hurting him to such an extent for a mere one in a million chance that maybe death would lead me to a place that truly felt like home.
The more time that passes the more I realize that one line in Eric Harris's journal, "WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last time human life and human brains did any good and made us proud." wasn't accurate no matter which way you think of it. The future was doomed no matter who won that war. They needed to hit a middle ground but instead everyone went power crazy and killed each other. It could have happened too. Before the war started many world leaders said Hitler seemed to be a good guy. That his plans seemed to be good or in MacKenzie King's own words "to the great advantage of man kind". Obviously that was before anyone knew about the Holocaust. My point, however, is had things ended where these world leaders thought they would, I think the world would have overall been better off. It would have been the middle ground they needed. No extreme far right fasicsm and no extreme far left whatever the fuck we're living in now. It would have been the utopia both sides were looking for. Now because a bunch of now dead dudes 80 years ago couldn't handle their problems like adults, we're living in complete chaos. People constantly talk about the 2 sides individually and about which side they think the world would be better off with. I think both sides were always destined for disaster. The only way a positive outcome could have come from that situation is if they had put their differences aside and reached a proper middle ground. There was never a lesser of two evils. They were both destined to a horrible future if they were to win. Now we all have to suffer through the concequences of people we weren't even alive at the same time as not being able to come to an agreement without killing millions of innocent people both on and off battlefields. Neither side was ever good. We've just been told the situation was black and white to the point that most people truly believe that. People 100% wholeheartedly believe there was only 2 possible outcomes. There wasn't. There was always a third. There was always another option. We're taught to ignore that so we don't recognize our own country's faults or so we're forced to recognize them depending on where we live. The war was so massively relevant that even today there are people who hate German people for what a bunch of dead dudes following orders just like any other country's military did. There's people saying Hitler should have won and hating, hell sometimes killing, innocent people over it. It's so fucking stupid and childish. History is not, never will be and never has been black and white. There was a third option. A choice for peace. Nobody wanted peace though. They wanted victory. That's all it was ever about. World War Two wasn't fought for the sake of improving the world on either sides part. It was always about power. Everyone wanted to prove to the world their country was strongest. Everyone wanted to come out on top. That's why to this day there are American's who think they single handedly won the war even though they only joined because they were forced to and forced late at that. You really think these people cared about fixing the world or making the world safer? Nobody cares about that. They care about control and power. It's like religion. Nobody cares about the next life. They care about keeping control over you in this one.
December 28, 2024
I've decided instead of immedietly jumping to telling my parents I'm going to attempt ED recovery first. Just to see if maybe that's all the problem is. I hope it is though I have my doubts. I can't tell my parents anything unless I'm 100% sure that isn't the problem first. Otherwise I'm screwing myself over for no reason and landing myself under even more ridiculously stupid control. Problem is I finally started eating normally again a little while ago and my weight WENT DOWN. After staying at the same spot for months when I wanted it to go down it goes down now when I don't want it to. My bf said not to worry about it too much but it's still bugging me. I don't get why my weight went down when I was eating more. Something's not adding up there.
Anyway, on a less depressing topic I have made the oh so fun decision to write my bf what could either be considered a literal book about everything I love about him or an exceptionally long birthday card. Either works. He's getting it on his birthday that's all I know. I don't know much of the details that will be in this but I do know one thing. I want the last thing in it to be a full proper explanation of my actual plan to move closer to him. I can't give him an actual birthday present considering we're currently in different continents with a 10 hour flight over an ocean between us. But I can tell him I plan on changing that fact. I've wanted to move to Germany since I was 15 so honestly this all really works out. I've always believed if a person has a particularly strong attachment to a certain place it's because their soulmate is there. I'd like to consider him proof of that belief. He's literally perfect to me. Granted I've been proven to be a horrible judge of character in the past but I really do think he's a real good person. He's not like she was. He's nothing like her. Except the being across an ocean part. That part they have in common. Otherwise they have nothing in common which is highly comforting and a huge green flag. Though "not like the girl who said she wouldn't care if I killed myself" isn't the highest praise in existence. Kind of just the bare minimum. But obviously that's not the only reason I love him. There is so much about him that I love. He's exactly what I've dreamed of since I was a kid. Give or take a few things at different ages. He's the Flynn Ryder to my Rapunzel. Y'know cause he's trying to help me escape the metephorical tower AKA my house and the insanity that comes with living in it.
December 27, 2024
I'm fairly certain anorexia isn't my only issue health wise anymore. For years I've passed things off as nothing. Just coincidence. It's not and it's time I accept that fact. I need to go to a real doctor. The only problem is in order to do that I need my dad to take me. Which means I need to tell him everything. I'll probably leave out the anorexia part when talking to him and only tell my actual doctor that but I do have to tell my dad the symptoms and why I think I need to see a doctor. Which terrifies me because I don't know how he's going to react. My family are very "I'm accepting until it's my kid" about certain things and disability seems to one of them. I've literally had seizures. They deny it. They say I just passed out from over heating. My sister disagrees and so do I. I can't do almost anything with my heartrate drastically increasing. Meanwhile everyone just calls me lazy for not leaving my bed. They don't seem to realize this isn't some sort of weird choice. I physically cannot do a lot of things. Yet every time I say that it's all "don't say you can't do it, you can you just don't want to" NO I CAN'T. I literally can't. My body will not let me. I'm also scared to tell him because my family has been pretty controlling my whole life and this will give them something new to hold over my head. "You can't move out because it's not safe for you to live alone". And I wouldn't be able to tell them I have my boyfriend because they'd freak out if they knew I had contact with anyone online. Goddamn they're strange. Dating apps oh yeah those are fine. Meet someone online in any other way suddenly they're a serial killer, rapist and kidnapper according to anyone you mention them to. My boyfrined is the sweetest most loving person ever though. He's like the Flynn Ryder to my Rapunzel. Y'know the guy who's gonna save me from my insane living situation where I'm not allowed to leave. Ever. Unfortunate thing is he lives in Germany so I have to move to Germany to be with him and moving countries is even less likely to manage if my family finds out I actually have a real health issue and I'm not just lazy. I need to see a doctor though. My health is getting worse and it has been for years. It started one random day when I was 12. I passed out from "overheating". Since then I've passed out, had seizures, become incredibly weak and lost the ability to do so much as take a shower without my heartrate increasing like crazy and feeling like I'm going to pass out. Though as much as I'm afraid of how my family may respond to a proper diagnosis I also know my health is only getting worse and I need answers before it gets any worse. My current plan is to tell my dad on his day off next week and just hope for the best. Not much else I can do to be honest. No matter how afraid I am, I need to say something.