If there's a line between two or more entries but they're under the same date they were posted the same day but at different times.
February 24, 2025
Alright, back to my usual depressing rants cause as fun as complaining peoples stupidity and hypocrisy is I've got bigger issues. Like the fact that well.. I feel suicidal but I can't or I won't seek it out. Like if someone handed me a gun right now I don't know how much I'd hesitate. All honesty I think I would text my bf and that would be it. But I wouldn't seek out the gun. Y'know? Unlike in high school when that was all I could think of. Seeking it out. Good news is now I finally don't want anyone going down with me. The bad news is honestly that makes it a lot scarier. Anger makes it easy. Sadness isn't as easy. Anger blocks out empathy, sadness doesn't. All I keep thinking is how much it would hurt my bf. I don't even think I'd know what to say to him if I ever did that. Every time I've considered it part of what stopped me was not having a clue what to say to him but also not wanting him to be left clueless forever. I guess some people do it without any sort of note but that doesn't feel right. I need people, well, him, to know it's not their fault. He's the only one I'd call completely innocent and even that I'm not entirely sure of anymore. Being told he'd probably never love me hurt. More than you could ever imagine. I also worry that certain things I've saved from our conversations could very easily be taken out of context. I don't want him to get accused of meaning shit he didn't mean. It scares me. I really care about him and I know he cares about me. It would never, could never, be even a little bit his fault if I did that. Not like it matters though. I'm too scared to attempt while living with my family and even if I did I'd probably fail. If I didn't fail they probably wouldn't care enough to look into it anyway. They'd call me crazy. Over emotional. They'd try to pin the blame on me being unstable and never question why I was.
It's a weird feeling. I really do want a future. I just feel like no matter what it won't be good. And I keep hoping maybe that's not true but by now I know it is. In grade 4 and first started getting bullied I was told it would get better. When I was in grade 6 and started getting send paragraphs of insults and literal fucking death threats I was told it would get better. When I was in grade 7 and it was still happening I was told it would get better. When I was in grade 8 and threatened with rape and murder by my supposed best friends I was told it would get better. When I tried to fucking kill myself in grade 9 I was told it would get better. When I told my friends what I was considering doing when I'd go back to school in person in grades 9 and 10 I was told it would get better. When I got abandoned by her in grade 11 I was told it would get better. When a guy at my school killed himself in grade 12 and I spiralled I was told it would get better. When I planned to attempt the day after prom I was told it would get better. Everyone always says it'll get better but it never does. Sure, I'm glad I didn't drag other people into my death wish but I will never be glad I failed or backed out all those times I could have taken myself out. I'm not a good person. No matter what anyone says. I know what I've said. I know I've said good people think they're bad but I am bad. I know I am. I've hurt people. I hurt her and it possibly cost her life if she really did kill herself. That's not the end of it either but I don't want to post all the details of everything. I'm a horrible girlfriend, though. If I even am one at all. Still not really clear on the whole "friend" thing. Makes me wonder sometimes. He talks to me less and less as time goes on. Maybe he found somebody else. Maybe he doesn't want or need me anymore. Maybe he needs more. Maybe he needs someone closer, someone better, someone nothing like me.
Everything is getting worse. I say that as if everything hasn't been getting worse my whole life. My paranoia has been at an all time high. Constantly afraid I'm being watched or that I may not really be alone. Sometimes when I leave my room while everyone else is asleep I think I see someone. Not distinctly. Not in a way that I could say it was any one person. I see what looks like a shadow; someone standing in the dark. When I turn to look, it's gone. I've seen things like this my whole life. Since I was a child. It started randomly one day while I was sitting in the living room eating. I could have sworn I saw someone standing across the room. When I looked up there was nothing but I was so freaked out that I immediately left the room. After that it was a long time before it happened again but over time it's been becoming more and more frequent. Now more than ever. It's almost every night, if not every night. I know it's not real but the feeling of being watched is still there. The feeling that nothing is private. Nothing will ever be private. I've been convinced there's cameras in the house watching my every move since I was 12. I was too scared to watch porn until I was almost 17 because I was convinced my parents would somehow have access to my search history on a device they didn't have the password to. That one has a root cause though. They did check my search history once. Then they banished me to YouTube Kids at the age of 14 for being depressed or whatever the fuck I was. Then they banished me to PG only on Netflix until I was 17 when I was 14 as well. Then they question why I still watch kids shows as if that wasn't all I was allowed to watch until a year ago. I refuse to wear my glasses while doing certain things now even if I can't really see because I convinced myself somehow some way there's a tiny camera in them and someone (my family) is spying on me. I know how ridiculous and unrealistic that is. I am more than aware. It doesn't stop the fear though. It doesn't make me feel any better. I don't trust wireless earbuds anymore because I'm convinced I can be spied on with them. I never have bluetooth turned on anymore. I actually check to make sure it's off way too often.
It's not just the paranoia that's getting worse either. I know I'm to blame for her death if she's dead. If she killed herself that IS on me and I can never take that back. I loved her and I fucking probably drove her to suicide. I wanted to make her happy. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. Now I'm just forever afraid I'll make the same mistakes again. That's why everything I ever text my bf is written in my notes app first and I read it a good few times before sending it. I refuse to act on emotions anymore. Acitng on emotions hurts people. And I care. More than I'd like to admit. Well, I care about some people. I care about her.. I care about my bf.. Y'know honestly I don't know who else anymore. She was all I had and now he's all I have. He's everything to me. Everything. If I lost him too I don't think I could handle it anymore. He's the last thing holding me here. Quite honestly if it weren't for him tonight would be my last night but I don't have a note for him nor do I know what I'd say in one so that's not an option. All honesty though it wouldn't be my last night. My last night would have been May 31st, 2024. I had planned for months to do it that day. I didn't because he had just been away for a week before that and I thought if I immediately died after that he would blame himself for not having been there that week. The day I decided against that I also decided I wanted a future with him. If I don't get a future with him then it was all for nothing. I wasted years when I had the perfect plan opportunity. The day after prom. I was gonna ditch school to do it. Nobody would have noticed because I was 18 and they couldn't call my parents plus nobody went to school the day after prom. It would have been more odd for me to have shown up to class than not to have.
I want a future. I want a future with him and the fear that I might not get it is slowly killing me. It's driving me insane. Every day, every moment, 24/7 I worry. I worry that he'll find someone else. That he'll never love me. That he'll suddenly decide he doesn't want me anymore or isn't attracted to me anymore. That he'll find someone closer, better, someone who he doesn't have to be afraid will fucking die if he upsets them. Or worst of them, I worry he'll find out what I was like before we met. What I said to her that night. That's some fucked up shit that he's openly admitted he hates people who do and to be honest I agree with him. I hate people who do shit like that too but once you've said it.. Once you're the one behind those words.. You realize it's not always that simple. Not everyone is manipulating someone. Sometimes it isn't a threat. Sometimes it's the truth. Sometimes the person really does want to kill themself and doesn't know what else to do or say in response to the person who made them feel that way. But as I used to always say: A person who threatens suicide is a person nobody would miss if they did it. I still believe that and I believe if people knew what I said and then I did it.. Nobody would care. I'd deserve it. I do deserve it. I loved her more than anything and I hurt her in the worst way I could have. It wasn't just about me. She said I reminded her of the worst person she had ever met. Someone had said that to her before. I fucked up. I really did. It's been 2 years I still think about it every day. I still have dreams about it. I still randomly have panic attacks over things that remind me of her sometimes. I miss her so fucking much but dead or alive she'd never want anything to do with me now. Not after what I said. I could take the asshole route of "how was I supposed to know someone had threatened her with that before" but the reality is nobody should have. Not that person and not me. Dead or alive I hope she has more peace now than she ever knew knowing me. I loved her. Unfortunately you can't love someone into forgiveness. Nor healing when you're the person they need healing from. I know I had no right to forgiveness from her. She hated me and I deserved it. I just hope she knew I loved her. I do love her. I always will. Personally I believe you either love someone for a lifetime or you never did at all. I will love her my entire lifetime.
February 22, 2025
"If you're born there and don't have the blood you're not Hawaiian." THAT sounds familiar... Disney casted a white/asian girl to play Nani in the live action Lilo and Stitch and people are LOSING. THEIR. MINDS. Personally I could not be happier. I mean if The Little Mermaid and Snow White hadn't been switched I think I'd be annoyed by this but quite frankly after Ariel and Snow White watching people freak out over this is great. And that's an understatement. I love watching people experience the frustration they laughed at others for experiencing.
February 21, 2025
When the hell did the word "fatphobic" come about? I swear people made it up in 2020. And why are literal obese people, like not just oh a little overweight, ACTUAL obese people trying to downplay the health damage they're suffering by calling themselves "plus size". Stop making something that will probably put you in an early grave sound cutesy. "The media needs to be more inclusive of different weights!!" Healthy ones, sure. Anything else is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. It's still an eating disorder even if it's binging. You're still promoting an eating disorder even if it makes you overweight instead of underweight. You're not oppressed. You made a CHOICE. You can't be oppressed for a CHOICE. Oppression applies to things like race, gender, disabilities... Things out of peoples control. Not a choice for bad health.
Anyway, totally different point. Sometimes I wonder if nostalgia can kill you. Well, it definetly can by suicide. You ever wonder why suicide is seen as such a horrific thing? I dunno seems odd for the fact that it's the only way to die that the person has full control over. Would it not be worse for them to die randomly from something out of their control? At least with suicide you know they WANTED it and it wasn't some tragic accident like getting hit by a car or something. I don't know, to me it seems like the LEAST tragic way to die. Why shouldn't we want people to die on their own terms? Why would you want someone to randomly die when they're happy instead? But like really, nostalgia feels like it will be the death of me. Nostalgia for my childhood combined with anemoia for the 1930s/40s??? It will be death of me. Well, that combined with everything else in my life that led me to this. To be honest the whole anemoia thing comforts me. I figure if I die maybe I'll make it to that time period somehow. Same with nostalgia except that one's more realistic. There's tons of evidence that people's mind replays important moments in their life before they die. Maybe I'd get to re-experience some of the happy parts of my childhood. I hope so.
If I'm being totally honest I'm pretty sure she is dead. I don't have proof but I am so sure of it. Fucking pining over a most likely dead girl. Well, more or less. I had a dream a few days ago where I was about to marry her the next day but then realized I didn't want her, I wanted my bf and I started panicking. I think it was caused by how much I used to say I wanted to be with her forever. I think I'll always love her but to be honest I do also think I'd much rather be with my bf forever. She was my first love but he is my first time BEING loved by someone I love. There's a big difference there. I'd feel weirder about this but having been in the TCC for years, I'm used to being attached to dead people. Of course the idea that she might be dead makes me sad but as harsh as it is to say: It changes nothing for me. She was never going to talk to me again regardless. I only hope that if it was suicide which I assume it was based on how she was acting in the end that I wasn't a part of what led her there. Because I never wanted anything but to make her happy and feel loved. Though I know I hurt her. I know that. I won't deny that, it's true. If I did play a role in such a decision I would never live down the guilt. I'm kind of glad I'll never know for sure. I think I'd drive myself crazy if I knew for certain I was to blame. If she did, and if I am to blame, I'm sorry. I never meant to cause anything like that. I was scared and didn't know what else to do so I said the first thing that came to mind. I only hope if she is dead, if it was suicide, whether I was to blame or not: I hope when I die we reunite somehow some way. Reincarnation, an afterlife, anything. I hope even if I don't conciously know it, that my soul will find her again in another time. A time where I really can make her feel like the most loved person on earth.
February 19, 2025
Is it just me or are people getting stupider and stupider every day? I made a post yesterday talking about how Tiana's Bayou being in Frontierland makes no sense and how it would have made more sense in Animal Kingdom. Y'know because Frontierland is themed to the old west and Animal Kingdom is themed to nature and animals. To anyone with common sense, this makes sense, this is common sense. I fear common sense is not so common however, as I immediately got called racist for saying a ride about a black character should be in Animal Kingdom. The ride is based on The Princess And The FROG. FROGGGGGG. Princess And The FROG!!!! If you think I said it should be there because I "view black people as animals" why is that your first thought and not the frog and bayou? You seem like the racist one with your mind jumping straight to that. That thought was miles away from my train of thought. Actually it was in a whole other unknown universe. Not even in the realm of possibilities in my thought process. My thought process was literally "Princess and the FROG. It takes place in a BAYOU. A BAYOU doesn't make sense in the land themed to cowboys." Then I said something about how not everything is political and he claimed I was using some sort of far right deflection tactic. Sir, it is a theme park. THEME park. The THEME is what makes it a THEME park. Was that lost on you? Probably. The irony here is I have never met an actual black person who disagreed with me about this or who took any offence to any of this but this white man on Threads just HAD to have us all know he claims to care about minorities but doesn't actually care what they think about it only about looking like he does. Then he went on some weird ramble about hating "anti woke" people because they were sad Splash Mountain closed.. NEWS FLASH: Having childhood memories attached to a ride is not a political statement. But hey if that's all it takes to get called a Nazi these days lemme just- Nope won't say anything like that even anonymously here as a joke. But I'm sure you can put together where that could have gone if I actually did hold the beliefs these people claim my attachment to a theme park ride apparently means I have. Fun fact: Song of the South wasn't racist. It actually had an anti racist message but everything about that has essentially been wiped from the internet and replaced with "IT'S HORRIBLE. IT'S RACIST. IT'S THE WORST. IT DESERVES TO BE BANNED." Yeah okay that's why it's about a little boy who runs away from his racist family to befriend an elderly black man who tells him a bunch of stories about cute animals (hence where the idea behind Splash Mountain came from). The movie is about an unlikely friendship and supposed to show that race doesn't matter even when it seems like it does. But people claim it "romanticizes" slavery. Because it child friendly-ified it. Because it's a kids movie. It's not racism, it's age appropriate education. But that's racist apparently. Yeah don't teach the kids to be friends with someone even if they're taught to hate them. Horrible message according to the "anti racist" idiots following each other blindly crowd. Mmmm yeah maybe you should WATCH THE MOVIE before you call it racist. Oh wait you bullied Disney into making it impossible to find. I had to watch it in like I don't even know how many 2 minute clips on YouTube. CENSORSHIPPPPPPP. Yet they claim they're against that. Funny how that works. It's wrong unless they're doing it. Then it's "anti racist".. No. It's delusion, a white saviour complex and sheep mentality combined. You're in a cult. "No I'm not." Funny, everyone to ever be in a cult has said the same thing.
February 18, 2025
I have so much hope and yet none at all. Maybe what I have isn't exactly hope but rather a wish or a dream. I have so much doubt that it doesn't feel like hope at all. I was so sure he was the one. I kinda still am. I can't imagine finding someone more perfect and I know I once said that about her so I don't exactly have the best track record but he isn't like her. He really isn't. Honestly I don't think he was trying to hurt me, I think we just got mixed up somewhere. He has never done anything to hurt me. He has never upset me and not immediately felt bad and apologized. He wouldn't hurt me on purpose. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. Or that it's any less frustrating. I dunno I spent so much of my life thinking I'd never find someone who really cared about me and who would want to protect me instead of hurt me. Finding someone who does has led to endlessly wondering if maybe he doesn't. I know logically he does but the fear is still there. I thought I had more to say but I guess not. Maybe I'll have something more interesting to post later.
February 2, 2025
"Friend" know what you might as well have just told me my whole life was a lie. Oh wait, the entire last year was, apparently. "Friend" nuh uh no friendship, nothing. Friends don't make each other think there's something more going on with them just oh I don't even fucking know why he did it. For fun? I guess? Y'know the funny thing is he didn't even say it like he knew I thought we were still together. I guess being broken up with without being told thing to worry about happening now. He said it so nicely too. Just casually in the middle of saying how great he thinks I am just threw in calling me "a friend" like that was just what I thought we were? Excuse me for thinking the man I've been talking to for a year and a half who on many occasions has referred to us as a couple actually thought of us as a couple. Fucking tired of this shit. And y'know the thing is I don't actually have anything else. I said it in my last entry. He's the only thing stopping me from taking my shot at that one in a million chance. Well, that and fear of failing. Someone handed me a gun right now though I'd have no hesitation. That's the fun of life though. When you want out you're not allowed because apparently that's not your choice. No you have to want to stay to make other people happy even if you're miserable every waking and at this point sleeping dreaming second of it. The cruelest part of this all is she blocked me on February 6, 2023. Guess what date we're getting reallllll close to right now. Yeah if he leaves on that date I am done. With life. That's enough for me if that happens. Thanks but no thanks. I know this cycle and I would like not to repeat. I am not spending another year that miserable. I refuse. It's not an option. But this is almost exactly how things with her leaving started. Except we never dated. But she slowly stopped calling me her friend and then one day somehow I was being treated like an enemy suddenly. "You're being unfair" no you're fucking psychotic. That's what's happening here. Or happened. Caught up in that but I did mean past tense. Though I'm sure she's still just as undelightful as ever. I hope whoever is with her now is ready for the years of therapy they're probably going to need after. That fucking relationship friendship whatever. I have flashbacks and nightmares like I went to fucking war. I don't believe in psychologists and all that but that feels like some sort of PTSD shit or something. Anyway. Yeah apparently I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Honestly I think the weirdest thing is I haven't actually processed that because I know if I accept it I will be dead within a few days. So instead we supress all feelings except happiness. I'm just treating this like a joke. A very very cruel joke. Mhm. That's the plan. I will be sticking to it. Maybe. I think I'm gonna freak out the second I get off my devices to be honest.
January 31, 2025
First of all: This month feels never ending. I feel like I wrote my last entry 6 months ago not at the beginning of this one. Anyway, I was really thinking about it last night and I realized my boyfriend is genuinely the only thing I'm living for at the moment. Before him it was her. Before her it was.. Nothing. Before her I had nothing. That's why it sent me straight to the worst mental state possible when she left. After nearly 2 years of happiness I was dropped straight back into the misery my life had previously been. The difference was now I had experienced something different so I knew life didn't just feel like that. I knew it was a problem with me. Not just "oh I've always felt like this so everyone must always feel like this". Last night I tried to come up with an actual list of reasons I shouldn't just kms and honestly it ended at the fact that it would hurt my bf. Then I started thinking some more.. Would it hurt him? He doesn't love me. He's said that himself. Which I understand. I don't blame him for that. Before I met that girl I'm always talking about, I had never loved anyone either. He treats me like he loves me and honestly that's better than being told it. The definition of actions speak louder than words. But would he care if one day I was just gone? I'm fairly certain he still talks to other girls. For all I know I don't mean anything to him. Maybe I'm just another girl to get nudes from to him. That possibility won't leave my mind. I've spent days now wondering. What if I really am just another girl to him? Sure he has SAID he likes the idea of me moving closer to him. That girl that ditched me once SAID I should do an exchange year or go to university near her. Words don't mean shit. Truly I wonder if I died.. How quickly would he recover? How quickly would he replace me? Would he be upset? Would he even notice my absence? He disappears for days without a care in the world I doubt he'd notice if I disappeared for good. Besides he'd be better off. If this keeps going he's gonna try to leave eventually and he'll just end up just like what happened last time someone left. I don't want to ever treat him like that and maybe death is the best or even only way to avoid that. I'm not really sure anymore. Maybe that one in a million chance is worth what it would cause here. Then again maybe I'm just paranoid because of how things ended last time I was happy. But happiness never lasts forever for anyone and if my alternative to happiness is a complete lack of any and all feelings aside from sadness and anger maybe the happy times aren't worth it. Besides even with him I still have times where all I can feel is sadness and anger. Like now. Like the last couple days now. The reality is I will always feel this way. Especially since I'm against psych meds. Sure maybe they could make me feel more but also they are known for making suicidal people who previously didn't have the energy to do it actually do it because they provide the energy needed to go through with it. I wish I had a gun but unfortunately I don't live in America so that's not quite as easy of a task here. Would make it easier to succeed by far. Most of what's stopping me right now is fear of failing. Fear of being forced onto meds. Forced into a hospital. For fucks sake I'm not crazy and I'm not curable I have no business being shoved in a psych hospital except that people can't comprehend maybe for some people those "temporary problems" have been there their entire life. Mine sure have. Is it still temporary if its been 18 years? Hm? Is it? Is it still temporary if I don't remember a time where things were different? Is it still temporary if it's 24/7? No. It's fucking not. It's not temporary. I've been like this my whole life and I will be for the rest of it whether that be a long or short time from now. "Oh but family" oh but what family? The family that didn't care when I was threatened with rape and murder? "Friends" what friends? I don't have friends anymore they fucking hated me. "Pets" I don't have one and my family won't let me either. "What about your future" my future? My future, really? My future that is almost certain to be filled with this same feeling forever? Oh yeah I'm so sorry I wouldn't get to experience more misery just so you can say you stopped someone's death. I don't think anyone actually cares about suicidal individuals. They care about stopping suicide because they seem like a good person for caring. Once you're in a "safe" situation they don't give a fuck. People don't even care when people actually do it. A guy at my school did. Suddenly it was "crisis line" this "reach out for help" that. Except when you do reach out for help they tell your parents. They make the situation worse. Nobody cares about individuals struggling they care about looking like they care. People have often tried to call me a bad person for not having empathy for a lot of people in a lot of situations but quite honestly I think it's worse to claim you feel bad when you don't. At least I'm honest. At least when I say I care people don't have to doubt it because they know if I didn't then I'd never claim I did. So who's really the bad person? I'd argue the people faking it and lying. I'm fucking tired of this world. Everyone's just a liar claiming they're so morally superior for believing things they don't even believe. It's pathetic, really. You're not a good person if you 100% truly believe you are. No good person doesn't doubt themself. "No bad person thinks they're a bad person" is true. The real bad people are the ones who think they're perfect and think everyone else is the problem. The people who think they're a bad person are the good people. No good person thinks they're a good person just as no bad person thinks they're a bad person.
January 2, 2025
It's an odd feeling, really. Living your whole life thinking you'll be dead by a certain age and then reaching the year where you're supposed to pass is. For as long as I can remember I've felt like I was going to die at or before 18. I turn 19 this year. I turned 18 last year. It's been a strange experience. I turned 18 fully ready to take advantage of the fact that I was legally an adult and my school couldn't tell my parents if I was absent. I had a plan. I had it planned perfectly. I knew every detail. I was ready. Well, no, I wasn't. I had a plan. The details were down to every possible backup plan. But I wasn't ready to die. Not yet. Not then. All I could think about the week leading up to the date I had chosen was that I couldn't do that to my bf. That I wanted to be with him forever and I couldn't hurt him like that. Now there's 3 months until I turn 19. I don't want to die. But I feel like I'm going to. I took a shower tonight and I swear every time I closed my eyes it felt like I was right back in the moment of my absolutely horribly executed attempt in grade 9. I had no idea how much blood you have to lose to die. It was.. Pathetic, kinda funny, in all honesty. Sometimes I look at the scars from that night and wish I had done more research beforehand. I've thought that a lot tonight, actually. Lately in general, too, not just tonight. When I got out of my shower I opened Google Docs and just typed everything. It was mostly about her and how I broke the last promise I ever made to her. I can't handle the guilt from that. Not only for betraying her but in a way breaking that promise feels like betraying the very concept of love. I fucked up. Bad. And this time I can't fix it. I can't lie my way out, I can't do anything. For the first time in my life I did something I couldn't innocent and clueless act my way out of. Because this time what I did hurt me the most. I can't innocent and clueless act myself out of issues with myself. That's just delusion and denial. I did what I did and I can't change that. Not now, not ever. Though I'm not entirely confident I can live with the guilt forever. I live every day in fear that someday I'll accidentally treat my bf how I treated her. I don't think I could live with myself if I did. I don't know that I can after what I did to her. I fucked up. Worse than ever before. And it's still haunting me. Three years later. Probably forever at that rate. My problems tend to be like that. I either get myself out of them in a few days up to a year max or they haunt me for life.
Maybe that idea of death leading me to the right time wasn't so stupid afterall. A world where I never fucked anything up yet. Wouldn't that be nice. It's a delusional fantasy but I wish it was a possibility. Though I suppose the odds are never zero. Low. But never zero. We don't have a clue what happens after death. Maybe time travel exists and it's just not at all what the media depicts. Maybe it's between death and rebirth. Maybe when you die you can be reborn at any point in time not just the future. Maybe the past is an option too. I wish I knew.
December 31, 2024
New Years Eve. A night which usually causes me severe anxiety. For the past several years this night has been one of panic. Going into 2024 it was that I was going into a year where I had never talked to her. The years prior to that it was typically because I felt closer to the end of high school and in my mind therefore death. I spent a lot of my life before I graduated with a strong belief I would never live to see the day. Now I'm several months out of high school and I don't feel like my death is looming anymore. I think school caused the majority of my issues in all honesty. Since graduating I've felt a lot more peace. Now my only concern is finding a way to move to Germany. Which doesn't have a time limit on it. High school was full of deadlines constantly. I couldn't handle it. Now I've been living in peace with nobody telling me what to do or when to do it for months. Of course this can't last forever but it's a nice break after spending the majority of my life so far in the school system. I don't know if I plan on going to university or not. My current top concern towards moving is to get a job. My next step after that is to move to Germany to take a German language course. I just need the money to do it first. Otherwise I'm not too worried about things. For once in my life I actually have a good feeling about the new year. I have real hope. All I really want out of 2025 is to get closer to my boyfrined whether it be physically or emotionally. He's my everything. I really hope he's the one. Every time I imagine my future now instead of not being able to see past 18 all I can think of is how badly I want him in my future. He really is perfect as far as I'm concerned. Not in the way I thought she was either. He actually loves me. He's nothing like her. He cares. He's kind and loving and the sweetest person I've ever met. He's exactly what I've dreamed of since I was a kid. Like a real world Disney prince. I really reallyyyyy hope 2025 includes getting closer to being closer to him. Physically, that is. Emotionally I figure is bound. All I want is to be with him. I had a dream last night about him where we lived togehter. Everything was peaceful and cozy. Waking up from it felt equivalent to waking up from a dream about having kids. I miss him and yet he hasn't gone anywhere. It's a weird feeling. Anyway, I'm about a half hour out from the new year and I'm gonna work on a vision board. Not specifically about 2025, just in general for the next couple of years. Whether Manifestation is or isn't real, I'm taking my chances rather than not on this one. I can't afford more bad luck in my life.
December 30, 2024
I don't think I'll ever understand anemoia. I feel a deep rooted attachment to the 1930s/40s and yet I know it was a horrible time to be alive. Researching WW2 has been one of my top hobbies since I knew it existed. So why would I of all people feel so attached to the time in which it happened? Even stranger why am I simultaneously attached to Germany? A few years back I gained a random urge to learn German and move to Germany. I still haven't figured that one out. Though there is a part of my mind that believes if a person has a strong attachment to a certain place it's because their soulmate is there. My boyfriend lives in Germany. That's the best explanation I've got. That somehow, some way, my subconcious knew long before I did that he was the one I'd end up with. Or maybe not my subconcious since I didn't even know he existed yet. Something out there definetly knew though. A God, the universe, my subconcious, whatever you want to call it. Something knew and made me have that feeling. I don't understand any of it. Maybe it is all just coincidence but it doesn't feel like it. I feel too attached. To both. I'd say not necessarily at the same time but honestly that would be a lie. Which makes it even more confusing. I don't think it was a good time and place to be at all. Yet my mind has glued itself to the idea that it belongs there. I understand logically and completely that it was a horrible time and place. Something in me just doesn't agree for some reason. Or maybe it does and it feels connected regardless. I'm not really sure. My only real theory is reincarnation. Maybe that was my life in the past. Even then, I don't know how much I believe that. I used to always say I felt misplaced. Not in location or socially but in time. I always said my life feels like it's being lived in the wrong time. I could never quite figure out what the right time was though. Now I'm beginning to think maybe that's the answer to this. Maybe I really was misplaced. Maybe my soul was never meant to belong here at all. At the same time I feel deeply connected to certain things here as well. Or people. Or a person. My boyfriend. I love him more than anything. So the theory that maybe I don't belong here is thrown off. I'm in love with someone here. I shouldn't be attached to things here if I'm not meant to be here. Or maybe I should be? I am here after all. It's human nature to become attached to your surroundings. Maybe that's all it is. An attachment to surroundings. Not an attachment to this time. I really don't know. I can't help but long for the past even despite all I know about it. If I was given the chance to abandon everything and start over then, would I? Would I be willing knowing everything I know now? I don't know. There's a part of me saying yes and a part of me screaming no. Yet that screaming is drowned out by an urge for a place to feel like home rather than just a place of insignificance. It doesn't matter, that's not an option, it's not something to worry about. Though I did used to believe death might lead me to the right time. I think that was just me getting a little too deep into the TCC and my research on Sol. I don't know that I ever did or that I do believe that. Even if I do or did would it make a difference? I'm too attached to things here to leave this world even with the potential option. When it was suicidality combined with an urge to find a home it made sense. Now I have no other reasons to want to die. It'd be a weird non mental illness related case of suicide. At least if I did it while I was in school it would have made sense. After all the bullying, the harassment, the teachers who ignored things when reported.. Now I'd just be seen as totally crazy. Probably labelled a neo Nazi when I'm not and have always made it clear I'm not. People would make it some stupidly big deal. Maybe not in the way that happened to Sol but people who know me would. My friends, my family, hell my boyfriend would probably think I only ever liked him because he could not possibly look more stereotypically German. That's not the case at all though. My love for him has always been based on personality. Of course I find him attractive but that's not my main reason I love him that's just one thing I love about him among many. I hate that my only options are to suffer feeling trapped in a time I don't belong in or to leave it and be labelled as a horrible person when all I wanted was to feel at home. I don't hate anyone except individual people who have specifically wronged me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want peace. I want happiness. I want to feel at home for once. To not feel like I'm constantly living in a world I don't belong to. It's not a choice though. I'm tied here now. If I try to leave this world I'll only be hurting the one I love most. It's not worth hurting him to such an extent for a mere one in a million chance that maybe death would lead me to a place that truly felt like home.
The more time that passes the more I realize that one line in Eric Harris's journal, "WWII was the last war worth fighting and was the last time human life and human brains did any good and made us proud." wasn't accurate no matter which way you think of it. The future was doomed no matter who won that war. They needed to hit a middle ground but instead everyone went power crazy and killed each other. It could have happened too. Before the war started many world leaders said Hitler seemed to be a good guy. That his plans seemed to be good or in MacKenzie King's own words "to the great advantage of man kind". Obviously that was before anyone knew about the Holocaust. My point, however, is had things ended where these world leaders thought they would, I think the world would have overall been better off. It would have been the middle ground they needed. No extreme far right fasicsm and no extreme far left whatever the fuck we're living in now. It would have been the utopia both sides were looking for. Now because a bunch of now dead dudes 80 years ago couldn't handle their problems like adults, we're living in complete chaos. People constantly talk about the 2 sides individually and about which side they think the world would be better off with. I think both sides were always destined for disaster. The only way a positive outcome could have come from that situation is if they had put their differences aside and reached a proper middle ground. There was never a lesser of two evils. They were both destined to a horrible future if they were to win. Now we all have to suffer through the concequences of people we weren't even alive at the same time as not being able to come to an agreement without killing millions of innocent people both on and off battlefields. Neither side was ever good. We've just been told the situation was black and white to the point that most people truly believe that. People 100% wholeheartedly believe there was only 2 possible outcomes. There wasn't. There was always a third. There was always another option. We're taught to ignore that so we don't recognize our own country's faults or so we're forced to recognize them depending on where we live. The war was so massively relevant that even today there are people who hate German people for what a bunch of dead dudes following orders just like any other country's military did. There's people saying Hitler should have won and hating, hell sometimes killing, innocent people over it. It's so fucking stupid and childish. History is not, never will be and never has been black and white. There was a third option. A choice for peace. Nobody wanted peace though. They wanted victory. That's all it was ever about. World War Two wasn't fought for the sake of improving the world on either sides part. It was always about power. Everyone wanted to prove to the world their country was strongest. Everyone wanted to come out on top. That's why to this day there are American's who think they single handedly won the war even though they only joined because they were forced to and forced late at that. You really think these people cared about fixing the world or making the world safer? Nobody cares about that. They care about control and power. It's like religion. Nobody cares about the next life. They care about keeping control over you in this one.
December 28, 2024
I've decided instead of immedietly jumping to telling my parents I'm going to attempt ED recovery first. Just to see if maybe that's all the problem is. I hope it is though I have my doubts. I can't tell my parents anything unless I'm 100% sure that isn't the problem first. Otherwise I'm screwing myself over for no reason and landing myself under even more ridiculously stupid control. Problem is I finally started eating normally again a little while ago and my weight WENT DOWN. After staying at the same spot for months when I wanted it to go down it goes down now when I don't want it to. My bf said not to worry about it too much but it's still bugging me. I don't get why my weight went down when I was eating more. Something's not adding up there.
Anyway, on a less depressing topic I have made the oh so fun decision to write my bf what could either be considered a literal book about everything I love about him or an exceptionally long birthday card. Either works. He's getting it on his birthday that's all I know. I don't know much of the details that will be in this but I do know one thing. I want the last thing in it to be a full proper explanation of my actual plan to move closer to him. I can't give him an actual birthday present considering we're currently in different continents with a 10 hour flight over an ocean between us. But I can tell him I plan on changing that fact. I've wanted to move to Germany since I was 15 so honestly this all really works out. I've always believed if a person has a particularly strong attachment to a certain place it's because their soulmate is there. I'd like to consider him proof of that belief. He's literally perfect to me. Granted I've been proven to be a horrible judge of character in the past but I really do think he's a real good person. He's not like she was. He's nothing like her. Except the being across an ocean part. That part they have in common. Otherwise they have nothing in common which is highly comforting and a huge green flag. Though "not like the girl who said she wouldn't care if I killed myself" isn't the highest praise in existence. Kind of just the bare minimum. But obviously that's not the only reason I love him. There is so much about him that I love. He's exactly what I've dreamed of since I was a kid. Give or take a few things at different ages. He's the Flynn Ryder to my Rapunzel. Y'know cause he's trying to help me escape the metephorical tower AKA my house and the insanity that comes with living in it.
December 27, 2024
I'm fairly certain anorexia isn't my only issue health wise anymore. For years I've passed things off as nothing. Just coincidence. It's not and it's time I accept that fact. I need to go to a real doctor. The only problem is in order to do that I need my dad to take me. Which means I need to tell him everything. I'll probably leave out the anorexia part when talking to him and only tell my actual doctor that but I do have to tell my dad the symptoms and why I think I need to see a doctor. Which terrifies me because I don't know how he's going to react. My family are very "I'm accepting until it's my kid" about certain things and disability seems to one of them. I've literally had seizures. They deny it. They say I just passed out from over heating. My sister disagrees and so do I. I can't do almost anything with my heartrate drastically increasing. Meanwhile everyone just calls me lazy for not leaving my bed. They don't seem to realize this isn't some sort of weird choice. I physically cannot do a lot of things. Yet every time I say that it's all "don't say you can't do it, you can you just don't want to" NO I CAN'T. I literally can't. My body will not let me. I'm also scared to tell him because my family has been pretty controlling my whole life and this will give them something new to hold over my head. "You can't move out because it's not safe for you to live alone". And I wouldn't be able to tell them I have my boyfriend because they'd freak out if they knew I had contact with anyone online. Goddamn they're strange. Dating apps oh yeah those are fine. Meet someone online in any other way suddenly they're a serial killer, rapist and kidnapper according to anyone you mention them to. My boyfrined is the sweetest most loving person ever though. He's like the Flynn Ryder to my Rapunzel. Y'know the guy who's gonna save me from my insane living situation where I'm not allowed to leave. Ever. Unfortunate thing is he lives in Germany so I have to move to Germany to be with him and moving countries is even less likely to manage if my family finds out I actually have a real health issue and I'm not just lazy. I need to see a doctor though. My health is getting worse and it has been for years. It started one random day when I was 12. I passed out from "overheating". Since then I've passed out, had seizures, become incredibly weak and lost the ability to do so much as take a shower without my heartrate increasing like crazy and feeling like I'm going to pass out. Though as much as I'm afraid of how my family may respond to a proper diagnosis I also know my health is only getting worse and I need answers before it gets any worse. My current plan is to tell my dad on his day off next week and just hope for the best. Not much else I can do to be honest. No matter how afraid I am, I need to say something.